For the past ten or so years, I've had a rather heavy-to-industrial-size coke problem.
I'm talking, of course, of Coca Cola - a point that I need to clarify for fear that I have just appeared on several government watch lists. Don't do drugs, kids. And I should also point out that the problems associated with a heavy cola intake are common to all brands of refreshing, energising cola fizzy pops. End of disclaimer.
Now, when I say that I drank a lot of cola, I mean to say that I drank cola almost exclusively. No other beverage would do. Even alcohol was shunned. We're talking two litres per day - none of this Diet crap. That's for pussies. Real women drink the full fat stuff.
The toll, they say, is a heavy one. I didn't feel the effects of the souped-up sugary goodness and got to the point where I couldn't even sleep without a hit.
My taste buds were so refined I could tell the difference between six brands blindfold - a claim I proved to my students by means of a test, back in my teaching days. Don't ever try to show off to 30 teenagers by mixing the dregs of six different brands into one glass and downing it. Projectile vomiting doesn't impress anyone.
With excess sugar comes excessive weight and fewer teeth. My body having taken something of a battering in these areas over the past decade has meant that everyone I know tries to persuade me against the demon drink on a regular basis. As any addict knows, it's annoying to be regularly reminded that the thing you like is also the thing which is doing you the most harm.
There are, reportedly, links made between Fibromyalgia and the consumption of caffeine. This pisses me off. The one time I get an illness/disability I can't even drum up a decent amount of sympathy without someone pointing out that they told me so. But the facts are there. Caffeine aggravates Fibro - the nth reason for me to give up cola.
The irony is, in 2008 (January, I recall - probably the world's only semi-successful resolution) I managed to get off the cola. In February I had what I now recognise as my first Fibro attack. I stayed off the cola for almost eight months, losing two stone of blubber but gaining, in the process, a crippling life-long illness. Not sure that this is a fair trade-off... By August 08 I was in full Fibro mode and, after a stressful September, the coke came back.
Last week I decided to make another stab at coming off the coke. I'll admit the reasons were fairly altruistic - I wanted to be skinny again (living with your family will do that to you). Within 5 days I had the first full blown, 100% badassness Fibro attack in four months - the first bad flare-up since moving back to Exeter. Is there a link? Can coincidence really be this cruel?
I won't pretend that it's not entirely likely that Fibro may have been caused by a decade of cola-abuse. I may never know the full extent of the harm that I have done to my body. But even so, I'm a good person. I refuse to believe that I am somehow deserving of this punishment just because of my weakness for a fizzy drink millions consume daily. But punishment it is, as this week has been unbearable.
But I will stick by my anti-cola resolve. If I relapse, you'll next hear from me scrabbling through your garbage, shouting at the pigeons and trying to lick the syrup from your recycling.
